How to find a good man

I’ll never forget meeting my now hubby for the first time. He was 5 years younger than me, dressed like an EMO Bass Player, he talked about himself, his band, his travels, and during the entire dinner he never once asked a question about me. I was a single mom of two children, living on my own, going to University. So when I first met my husband to be, on this impromptu dinner party,  my first thought was “nope”, but I couldn’t help feel God nudging me. 

After dinner, he insisted on walking me to my car. I insisted on letting him know I wasn’t interested. I said goodbye and told him I was going to church in the morning. When I told him what church I was planning to attend it just happened to be HIS church that HE would be leading worship in.

God “hmm”  

Me “nope”

The next day I showed up to church, and sure enough there he was singing his little EMO heart out. I thought, wow he’s an amazing worship leader, but he sure said ‘Gad’ a lot like Americans do and it was irritating. “hmmm” said God..  “Nope God (Gad)”  said I.

After worship, he sat next to me, and for the first and only time in my life I felt the presence of God so strong coming off of another person. It was bizarre. “hmmmm” said God “Nope, no way, have you seen his ear piercings?!”

The service ended and he leaned over and asked if I would want to go for lunch with him. I was visiting my dad, and lived in another city, so I agreed to meet him before I left for home the next day. As we mulled around church talking with people, a swarm of young 19-23’s circled my hubby like a fertility dance. “Hi, Kevin” “How are you kevin?”  I rolled my eyes, and tried to leave.

“hmmmm?” 

NOT INTERESTED GOD.

Not interested in this single mother getting hurt, competing with a young rock star surrounded by glistening virgins. I had 2 kids, bills, heartache, and reality waiting for me when I got home. He gave me his phone number so I could call him to arrange lunch with him the following day. I called him the next morning to tell him I would not be doing lunch.

“Well, could I call you?” he asked.

UGH, he was so persistent 

“hmmmmmmmm”

“nope”

 I reluctantly gave him my number. 

 

He began calling. Every time I would get off the phone with him I was speechless. This man was amazing, despite my first impressions.

I would pause for a moment being swept up in the ‘what ifs?’, and then shake my head back into reality “NO GOD!- not for me” 

As I got to know him, just through friendship,I began to realize that I had stumbled reluctantly upon one of the best men I have ever known and still know.

We have been married 10 years now. His hair is grayer than mine and people think he’s older. He legally adopted both my kids and we had 3 more together. I realized that he talked about himself the whole time because he was absolutely terrified of me when we first met, and I have taught him some better communication skills, and now he’s a better communicator than me some days.  He adores me and is beyond loyal. He gets up every morning and reads the bible, I have never seen him miss a day. He is the hardest working man I know who never complains about having to provide for all of us. He supports my dreams with selflessness, he serves the church in leadership and as a servant. He is an amazing father and the most kind, and gentle man I have ever met. I love him so much, and I gasp even thinking about ever losing him.

Thank ‘Gad’, I didn’t let his resume ( my first impression of him) keep me from getting to know him more..Did I mention he lived with his parents?

I love telling our story, and there is so much more to it, that would stun you. However, I have a point to me sharing today.

I recently saw a viral Facebook post about an independent woman writing about her high expectations of what a man should be and how she will not settle for less, because she deserves nothing less.

 

‘I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don’t need a simple-minded man. I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I don’t need to be unequally yoked…believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don’t need a financial burden. I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game-playing are not my idea of a strong man. I need a man who is family oriented. One who can be the leader, priest and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God. I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn’t taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive…he just has to be worthy. And by the way, I am not looking for him…He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. Hey may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me. God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can’t help a man if he can’t help himself. When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, ‘You are asking a lot. She replied, “I’m worth a lot”. “

 

My first response to this letter was “She doesn’t need a man, she needs God”

I am so glad that women of today have begun to recognize their worth. It took me such a long time of dating dweebs and heartbreakers. I am so glad that we are trying our best to teach our daughters that they deserve to be treated well, I want my daughters to drop kick any sleaze ball who only wants one thing, or disrespects his momma. I am in 100% agreement! However, this kind of man that this woman describes, does not exist. Not even in the church.

For some reason, we have been preaching to women that he does, and there are a lot of single women STILL waiting for THIS man of “excellence” to appear.

There are good men out there, there are amazing men out there, men who are family orientated, Godly men, leading men, but these AMAZING qualities will be surrounded by a complex muddle of imperfections. 

It takes a pretty amazing woman to draw out the amazing in a man.

I am NOT saying that you need to find a broken man and FIX him “Head Smack” All I am saying is that you can’t judge a man by the first date, or by his resume of achievements. You have to judge him by his character. 

If I were to give my dear single friends any advice on finding a real man, a lasting man, a loyal man, I would tell them these 10 things…

1. Don’t choose a man on his resume –  (the list of things he does, or says he does, or hasn’t done). Choose him on his character. A man’s church position isn’t going to comfort you in times of trail and hardship. His character to be loyal and long-suffering will. 

2. Getting to know someone’s true character takes time, and friendship – You won’t be marrying a lawyer, or a church small group leader, one day that will change. The man’s values will change over time too, and their opinions on things will change, and maybe even their political party! Whatchout! What doesn’t change is their character, (the essence of who they are and how they respond to others and handle life.) It takes a first date to know their resume, but learning a person’s true character takes time and a commitment to friendship. 

3. You’re not perfect, don’t make your man list perfect –  Can you imagine showing up to a date with a sexist list of must haves put on by the man. Like … “she must know how to iron a shirt, have sex all the time, have a good paying job, want babies, serve in her church, sing in the choir, must know how to cook and clean, must be a morning person and get me coffee, must always be thin and athletic, must give to the poor, must sew like my mother did, and so on….” Don’t put anymore expectations or bar on him that you aren’t willing to have over yourself. Must own a car, own a house, have a high paying job, handy, good with babies, university degree, good at sports” Good luck!

4. He will most likely always make a bad first impression –  You blind daters, he will talk too much or not enough, he will be passive or too aggressive, he will dress bad or be way to uptight.  Most women are amazing at relationships, men not always. This kind of meeting may not be their strong suit. My husband made me pay for my own dinner on our first date!!! He thought it was trendy, I thought he was cheap. I joke now that he’s been “paying” for it ever since.  I am so glad that wasn’t a deal breaker. 

5. A first date shouldn’t be the make it or break it. I got food poisoning and could barely afford dinner. Your criteria for a first date should be –   “is he a serial killer, did he bring his mom on the date, did he smoke a joint before getting out of the car?” 

6.  Love at first sight was invented by Walt Disney.  To love another person is to love their soul and you can’t get to know their inner most from eye contact. Sure there may be some fiery attraction, but love? “nope” Love comes through friendship, and hardship and knowledge of their true character.

7. Know your 5 must haves and must NOT haves. Sorry ladies, but your list should not be any longer than 5 or you have issues.  There are deal breakers when it comes to dating. For me one of my deal breakers was a man who wouldn’t take responsibility for his actions and blamed others. This was a big one for me. However, “must not wear socks with sandals” is not a deal breaker.

Here is an example …

  1.  Must believe in Jesus.
  2.  Must want children.
  3.  Must be active in the church.
  4.  Must love camping.
  5.  Must treat his mother well.
    1. Must not do drugs or drink heavily.
    2. Must not slander others.
    3. Must not have a porn problem.
    4. Must not have a lot of debt.
    5. Must not blame others for his actions.

Not only do these lists keep you from nit picking your way out of a husband, but it also makes you stick to your standards as well.

8. Know Yourself.  A man will never be the answer to all of your problems. He will not complete you, or heal your past. A good man will for sure be apart of all that, but will not be the answer to it all. Knowing yourself well, will make #7 an easier list to pick, and it will also lead you to men who know themselves well too. 

9. Give the nice awkward guys a chance.  A good man isn’t hard to find. Even the good men you do find will be flawed and in great need of a good God, just like you are. God knows how to make good things greater. A nice guy is a blessing, and they are often overlooked. I’m here to say that not all nice guys have to finish last, if you’ll just give them a chance, they can be amazing husbands
.

10. God gets the final say. God gets to turn your no into a yes, or your yes into a no. Just like he turned my “nope” into an amazing YES.  You must be in communication with God always when it comes to dating. You must always be willing to lay it all down, even the great guy you just met. This will be one of the biggest decisions you will ever make in your life. It’s a decision that should be made with God in it. Besides, a good marriage needs God in the middle of it, so why not start now. 

A woman who finds a good man, finds a good thing.

 

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