Let’s talk mommy porn.

Okay moms, this post is for you…

We’re going to have a talk, a straight up girl talk. The kind of talk us girlfriends have after a glass of wine, when all the kids are in bed, we’ve stuffed our faces with cheesecake, and there are NO filters left. Men, I encourage you to run away now!

Let’s talk…. Let’s talk Mommy Porn.

50 Shades of Grey  hit the theatres. I know, because my Facebook Stream is full of excitement, and my TV is full of sexy trailers. My teenaged son is getting pretty tired of me pillow bombing him every time a commercial pops up.
“Mom! I can’t breathe!”
“Just 3 more seconds son!”
Did you know that 50 Shades of Grey is Still The New York Times #1 paperback!

There is only one reason that this book/series has become this popular.
It’s simple economics…YOU, my mommy friends, are buying it and reading it and loving it.
I totally understand the lure of it, I totally do. I hear the context and my innards go “wahohohosodhaodoadoa” It gives me jolt, like your first taste of chocolate after a wicked diet.  I get it…

I AM NOT DEAD LADIES!!!

BUT, can I share my heart very honestly, without you rolling your eyes and closing this article to check Facebook?
Can I say,  as friends, that I feel betrayed by you.
I feel abandoned on this island of plain old marriage sex. You know, the kind where often you’re too tired, sometimes it’s too quick, and sometimes it can feel like a chore. You’ve left me here alone to find fulfilment in one man for the next 50 years, combined with my insecurities. I feel left to “work hard” on keeping my marriage fresh and my sex life exciting, and you’re popping an easy fix pill.  I feel like I am the teenager who is left studying in the library while you mommies skip off to the fair, with no guilt, bringing back stuffed bears and cotton candy, and you’re bragging about it, and you can’t wait to go back!
I feel betrayed by you, because I have spent the last 20 years of my life trying to heal from sexual abuse and sexual harassment, and I have walked a hard uphill road to purity, and your book consumption has just ignited a hunger for more, rougher, more dangerous, more submissive sexual power, and you are getting turned on by it. What ever happened to girl code?  What ever happened to, we stick together?
I feel betrayed, that you, my dear grownup mommy friends, are confusing my daughters. I just had my 16-year-old daughter play me her “new favourite song.” I responded “oh cool, let’s have a listen, maybe it would be a good dance solo song”
So I listened with anticipation…
“Turn that off!” I yelled.
“Why?!” my daughter rolled her eyes.
“Because she is singing like she is having an orgasm, and it’s disturbing” I said.
“no she’s not, it’s emotional and deep it’s not about sex”
“It’s 100% sexual, I can tell!” I responded, trying desperately to not sound like an 80-year-old prude, who knows what an orgasm sounds like.. “where is the song from?” I asked, feeling short of breathe from shock.
She quickly looked it up on her phone, “some movie soundtrack called 50 shades of grey”lecture ensued…….
Girls, I listened to the song, and I felt sick to my stomach and then I was mad at you. Mad that mothers are having to pick up the pieces of their broken daughters who are subjected to sexual pressure at school, who are killing themselves over nude photos, and losing their virginity at 14. Who’s daughters will have to choose a potential husband out of a culture where 60 percent of teen boys are addicted to porn! I am mad that my daughters may crave violent sex over commitment and love.
I feel betrayed, because I thought we were fighting this together?  I thought all the Dove commercials and the “don’t be silent” posters, and the women’s equal rights movement was our thing?  I thought we were fighting for the same thing? For the value of girls, and the respect of women, and the purity of sex?

When pornography is… normal, a whole population of men is primed to dehumanise women and to enjoy inflicting assault sexually… Pornography is the perfect preparation – Catharine MacKinnon

As a friend, I am asking you to see past your own “wahohohosodhaodoadoa” and see what’s really happening, what door this is really opening. This nation is bombarded with porn… in 2006 –  $97.06 Billion dollars was the worlds revenue from porn.  Compared to the $986 Million dollar revenue for World Vision (feeding the poor).
A world that in this very second, women and children are being raped as a result of it. Where marriages are falling apart because of porn addictions, and infidelity. A world where lust  has a higher value than love, because lust is instant and love takes work.
I am asking you to decide, black or white, and not stand in the grey.
This valentines, do your husband, marriage and children a favour, and choose to love your husband from a pure place. Choose to embrace his imperfections, his gentle and passive approach to you, and be thankful that your sex life isn’t a counterfeit based on lust and dominance.

Thanks for the chat, I hope we can still be friends.

29 thoughts on “Let’s talk mommy porn.”

  1. Alanna says:

    Wow Sarah! This is so wonderfully and passionately written.

    I have not read 50 Shades – more because I heard it was so terribly written than because of the content – but I have no intention of watching the movie and perpetuating the ugly culture it has created.

    Frankly, I’m sick of hearing about it BUT your post is coming from a new honest perspective and I appreciate the powerful points you’re making!

    Well done!!!

    And cheers to ‘plain old marriage sex’ 😉

    1. virtuouswomanx says:

      I agree! I am sick of it too. It’s like the world is going crazy over this. I feel like if I say something I am adding to the heap of opposition out there, but if I don’t I am condoning it. I’m going to stick to wine and chocolate and snuggling with my man!

  2. Amanda says:

    Thanks Sarah! So well written! I have been struggling with the number of friends excited about the release of this movie. I have seen posts asking people to weigh in as to whether this is a girl night kind of movie or do you go with your husband. Most replies are to make it a girls night and then go home and give your husband a treat…after all, whose husband wouldn’t want that?! My husband recently said that if men were going this crazy over some erotica film us women would be outraged. For some reason many women see this as very different…it’s just harmless fantasy. I also had mentioned how I wondered how many of the people excited to go see this movie are the same people who want to see Jian Ghomeshi charged and sentenced. To take the side against this book and movie is definitely not a popular one to choose. I am looking forward to a GOOD movie, some wine and cuddling up with my man 🙂

    1. virtuouswomanx says:

      Ugh, I was thinking the same way, that if my husband were to go to an x rated movie, Which by the way it’s only R rated and not X because it only shows full female nudity and not male nudity (something to ponder) – anyway, if my husband were to go for a guys night out to watch porn on the big screen, I would be devastated. I think husbands need to be held as accountable as their wives for what they allow in the marriage.

  3. Lynda says:

    Great job again Sarah! Let the truth come out! Women really do want commitment and with that is marriage and with that is hard work. But it is so satisfying. It’s such a lie for them to believe otherwise. Once they get into porn, it becomes so unsatisfying and then they feel trapped. A viscious circle.
    We need to tell the truth or the media does it for us! You’ve done an excellent job in telling it!

    Everyone needs to read it!
    Lynda

    1. virtuouswomanx says:

      Thank you Lynda. It is a viscous circle and the effects of porn is as damaging and addictive for women as it is for men.

  4. The Baby Mama says:

    I hope I’m not going to get stoned here – as in throwing a stone, not getting high, but I have read the books. All three of them. I think I was one of the first to read them as I read them before all the hype, the anticipation, the energy that the media and society have put into these books. Before I knew, or realized the true impact of what these books were all about.

    And you know what?

    They were awful. I, as a non-writer, dreaming about being a writer one day, could write better than that. Yes, it was THAT bad. And not once did it have any illicit reaction from me. My husband even queried if that was normal, and I was like yes, – this doesn’t turn me on. What does turn me is plain old boring marriage sex as you say. What can be more loving, more intimate and more caring than that gentle, sacred space that only exists between a husband and his wife? That is what gets me going…

    Not some book where the story is: girl meets boy, boy dominates girl sexually, the end (in a nutshell).

    AS to why it has had the affect it has had – I don’t know. This I do know though – we are living a double standard that allows women “liberation” but stifles men, i.e. its okay for us to do this, but when men watch porn we blow a gasket. We need to have the same standards for all – and that standard is the bible. God’s word – and I somehow don’t think that God would be at all pleased with how our society is viewing this.

    My husband asked me if I would watch the movies as I had read the books (something I like to do). The answer is an unequivocal no. Why? Because while the books had no effect on me, I suspect the movie will be very different. And know the negative impact I believe this movie will have on women, our daughters, our sisters, and our men, I’m really not wanting to support that.

    And I don’t want to disappoint our Heavenly Father. Or allow anything into our marriage that will not edify our marriage or build our marriage up. I think that the door should truly be closed on this – don’t allow anything bad to come through.

    I also loved your article – it was one of the nicest articles I have read on this topic. I think this will have a better impact that the “don’t” articles I’ve read. The minute you tell someone “no”, then they want to do it. Thanks again.

  5. Mommy of Two says:

    GREAT ARTICLE!!! Thank you so much for sharing it with us!

    I’m sad to say that porn in literature is a real problem plaguing us Mommies. I, myself, was totally embarrassed to have a conversation with my husband about how I was addicted to erotic literature. It really did affect our intimacy, and the way I thought about my sweet natured Man of God. We have the problem under control now, thanks to a lot of prayer, frank discussion, and the mercy and grace of GOD. It really is an addiction- It surprises me when and how the temptation will pop up, and it gets worse as more and more porn in all forms start to become a norm. I wish that I could tell my friends and church members just how damaging pornography (even in written form) is to your very soul- but the fact remains that I would most likely be shunned as a sinner, and judged and be found wanting for even giving in to the temptation.

    The fact that 50 Shades of Grey was a bestseller, and is now a mainstream movie, tells you where we are as a society… we are sliding quickly as a whole towards being Sodom and Gomorrah. We are fulfilling the scriptures in 2 Timothy 3:
    “1 This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.
    2 For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,
    3 Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good,
    4 Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God;
    5 Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.
    6 For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts.”

    There are a lot of us struggling against the seduction of erotica, porn, etc. I guess we would be grouped with those silly women led by diverse lusts… I wish it wasn’t so, but it is. Your statistics show us that. I have a feeling that things will only get worse before they get better. Verse 13 of that same chapter in 2 Timothy says:13 “But evil men and seducers shall wax worse and worse, deceiving, and being deceived.”..

    My hope is that, in addition to taking a stand and living a virtuous life, that you keep extending love and light to those of us who may have fallen by the wayside and are finding our way back. The remedy against lust is sharing God’s LOVE- Charity! 🙂 I’ll do my part to share the message with all.

    Thank you, again, for a fantastic article!
    My you have a blessed day!

  6. Heidi says:

    I love your post and its truth! This is satins big push to cheapen marriage and all that it stands for. Hurray for standing up for this.

  7. Lady Wendolyn says:

    Great chat. The bottom line… We were never created to, or intended to view people having sex. We were created to have it ourselves, in privacy. When you are reduced to watching it instead of having it, you are confusing your spirit. This movie will appeal to a lot of confused people. It tries to hold up degradation as “normal” as if lots of people are living this way… Or should be…and there will be pressure to “be cool” with it… But it’s not cool. We each have a realm of influence, and I try to lead the way in dialoging with the young women in my life about this topic, and their value, whenever I have opportunity. Great thoughts!

  8. Heather says:

    I’m with you Sarah. I took a strong stand against a vampire film series to be unnamed -to which women went in droves – and I’m wondering if this is the next onslaught. I’ll meet you in the library !

    1. Anonymous says:

      Heather,

      I am constantly saying that about another series. Women of all ages keep telling me what a wonderful love story it is. No! ! It’s a lust story. And is pen because it constantly brings you back to thinking about sex. They may not have it before marriage, but the book is written so your mind goes there. I’m sad so many girls think that’s an ideal relationship.

  9. Linda says:

    Dear Lord ; to have more pure and Godly influence of our young ladies everywhere,giving Moms honest, Godly & nurturing talks to our girls.
    Our commitment as a Mom is to teach,right & wrong,in dedicating Godly standards.
    We’re in this world NOT of this world ,being a light for others to see our love peace and joy.

    1. virtuouswomanx says:

      Linda, I agree. WE NEED To start thinking of the next generation in the choices and examples we set.

  10. Nathan says:

    I appreciate what you have put forward here but I wanted to clarify something for you. It may seem like semantics but I want you to know that 50 Shades is not second to the bible in terms of being the best selling book of all time. This link to wikipedia shows very well how well it has (or hasn’t) performed in sales compared to other publications.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_best-selling_books

    This is not to say that it is not carrying a frighteningly large amount of power and influence in pop culture right now. I just don’t want to give the book any more clout than it actually deserves, that’s all. It also seems that the book and movie could be its own worst enemy, due to its supposedly terrible writing and clumsy format. In short, we are in a scary era of our society right now, but God is bigger.

    1. virtuouswomanx says:

      Thanks Nathan for pointing that out, I will look into that further. It is scary, thanks for the comment.

  11. Nina says:

    I don’t know you, but I adore you. This was shared on my FB feed, and I’ll be sharing it too. YES, we are in the battle together! Keep writing, we’ll all keep sharing and together we’ll change what we can. THANK YOU.

  12. Ann says:

    I LOVE this post. I just wish you hadn’t chosen a blaming, finger pointing tone for it. I think more on the fence mamas would’ve looked at it with open minds and hearts if they hadn’t felt they were being called out. In fact there are some friends I’d like to share it with that I’m hesitant because I worry they will feel I’m calling them out by doing so, when really I’m asking them to look at the bigger picture. Just for future reference..

    1. virtuouswomanx says:

      Ann I appreciate your honesty and opinion. I would argue that different situations call for a different tone. It’s like raising my children, on a day to day situation I will speak calmly even if I disagree with what they are doing, however,if they run into oncoming traffic I will shout with intensity to get their attention. I think in this case, I do run the risk of offending and pushing people away,I agree with you there. But I also feel that this topic is akin to our society running into oncoming traffic.

  13. Kyla says:

    yes, I am hesitant to share because I don’t want to offend anyone or point a finger….yet, if we continue to stand back & say nothing, nothing will ever change, at least not for the better! So many of us are becoming complacent, unwilling to take a moral stand. We are becoming desensitized to things that SHOULD shock us, & allowing a corrupt way of thinking become the norm, pretending it won’t make a difference. Our world is crumbling. Marriages are failing. Families are falling apart! It’s time we take a stand for morals & values! How do we condemn rapists & abusers if we choose to allow shows like this to become our entertainment? Just sayin….there’s something wrong with this picture!

    1. virtuouswomanx says:

      It is hard to take a stand, in fear we will push people away. However, I believe that the truth sets people free, even if they respond negatively.

  14. Chele says:

    Really great article. I have not watched this movie or read the book, but your article made me look into the hype. Funny I found an article from a woman who is into BDSM and even she was appalled by this movie. How sad that we as women don’t support each other to understand abuse is abuse no matter how the media try’s to twist it to be acceptable. Thank you for speaking out.

  15. Tara Mayoros says:

    Thank you for your article. I wrote a blog post about the shades of grey books through the eyes of an author and had a huge response. Check it out if you would like 🙂 I have written a follow through and it sits in my unpublished file. I have been wondering if I want to pursue my voice further. Your article has given me courage. I absolutely agree with you 100% and your writing is passionate, but also in a very relatable way. Thank you

    1. virtuouswomanx says:

      Thanks for linking your article what an amazing insight!

  16. Hayley says:

    These thoughts that you put so eloquently and honestly are the same ones I’ve been having about the movie. I even had these thoughts about the movie Magic Mike. What I don’t understand is why does these woman not see the underlying message of abuse and manipulation that is made to look normal and even desired. The main character is completely isolated and depressed by this idolized version of a man. Take away all the glitz and glam of the wealth and sex and you see a horribly abusive relationship, sexually, emotionally and physically. In the real world, they wouldn’t end happily ever after. It would end in her death because he wouldn’t be able to stop. Women are now in a situation where they have to explain what respecting boundaries and respect are to their daughter. So upsetting to me.

  17. kristi says:

    Great article! what is your opinion on “the Bachelor”and “the Bachelorette”. In my opinion the book and these shows are on the same plain. But i know a lot of people disagree with me.

  18. Becci Earnshaw says:

    I have not read 50 Shades and actively avoid the romance and erotica genres in general. Some of my lady friends have told me about it and I still don’t understand it’s popularity. A 14 year old boy is molested by a family friend who teaches him the ways of kinky sex. He grows up to be a man with oodles of money and he perpetuates the damage on a young adult woman. Why are we as a country celebrating this? If Mr Grey were Miss Grey, sexual abuse advocates would be screaming about this. Where are the screams for the victim of molestation?

    I think the real crux of the situation is this – what is the purpose of sex. For some people, it’s biological recreation (fun with our body parts). For others, it’s a wonderful, PRIVATE expression of love for only one person.

    Give me “plain old marriage sex” any day because it is real. As a writer, I can tell you that a writer sets the rules of his or her book’s world. I can make it rain candy corn, totally change the law of physics in my book or make a psychopath a romantic hero. Or, I can write sex scenes the absolute ideal or even an exaggerated ideal like the woman is having the best time of her life with practically no effort on her part or her partner’s. In truth, these scenes are lies and we need to recognize that.

    1. virtuouswomanx says:

      You’ve made such a powerful point, and it shows how much power and influence (good or bad) words have.

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