There is so much to say from my experience at Write! Canada this past week, but there is still so much processing that needs to be done before I can even swallow it, little-lone digest it and regurgitate it. However, the one thing I have to say out of all of it is how much I love my husband.
One of the common comments of those attending this conference was being with like minded people who understand you. You don’t have to apologize for wearing your heart on your sleeve, for expressing insecurities, for being over dramatic or self reflective, it was an environment of people who allowed you to breathe and exhale from the depths of who you are.
This was so overwhelmingly surreal to me because I have gone through life, as we all do, with people who have hindered me, who have not quite understood the madness that is within me, the burning that fuels me, and the way in which I express it. I cared too much what they thought. (thank God that part of my insecurity is over – a gift of the 30’s) As I mature, and as my confidence in Christ grows, I have come to learn that the people in my life who truly understand me are a gift and those relationships must be treasured.
My past place of faith used to say I was one of those “creative types” you know, the one whose head is dangling off of their shoulders. I was directed that it was my job to screw it on right. (can I just say in my defense that I have completed the right brain left brain test and I was exactly 50/50!!!)
I have had past friends in my life who can only take me in doses, and that’s okay I have people like that too, but I’m done trying to strive in those relationship to gain approval. (thank you 30’s again!)
I’m going to cry at least three times in a conversation and not be embarrassed, I’m going to draw the truth out, i hate pretense, and I spout off dreams like a lottery winner scratches away. One day there will be a winner, despite all the “try agains!”
I have really blossomed in the last year, (most of the blossoming happened in my teens, but emotional blossoming is contributed to my 30’s) God has gifted me with pastors who see my creativity as a gift, not a threat. They embrace every ounce of who I am and encourage me that my uniqueness and intensity fits into the very “Mosaic” of God’s plan. I have in-laws and family who see further down my road than I do, helping me shovel through the road blocks, supporting who I am and my dreams. I have friends, my besties, who hang on my every word, they never feel threatened by me, they welcome my tears, heck they cry with me and cheer me on from every corner, their friendship is such a gift.
Then with all that God has brought me through, and with all the freedom I am receiving within myself there is still a shy, insecure, anxious ridden 30 something mom. Here comes my main audience. My husband the only one in my life besides Christ who truly, truly understands me, who unquenchably loves me, who pushes me, shelters me and tells me who I am.
He has never once, ever, in our 10 years told me that one ounce of me needs fixing, though I shamefully tweak him all the time when I so deservedly need critiquing myself, but he loves me. When I pace anxiously torn between writing and my responsibilities as a mother and wife he tells me, “go write!”, cause he loves me. He has seen me at my lowest and flown with me at my highest, he has calmed my fears and brings me water to my bed side. He gave up our anniversary and Fathers day this week for me to pursue my gifting as he held down the fort, not a sigh or a moan, just eagerness to hear me. I LOVE MY MAN! and not because I am a princess and deserve to be treated well by him, I deserve nothing, I am flawed, but he loves me!
It’s ironic I’m blogging this, because I was just saying to him last night how Corny I thought it was when people use their facebook status’s to send a love letter to their spouse and here I am forced to either explode with what is in me, or write it out.
I write it out, I will shout it out THAT I LOVE MY MAN and my 30’s!!!!!