God Bless This Mess

It was exactly one year ago that my husband came into the house to tell me that he had made a decision on whether or not we were going to move.

We had a 2 year plan to move back to our hometown after 18 years. We needed two years to pay off debt, save up enough money to afford the house prices in this town and time everything ‘perfectly’ before we uprooted our entire family. We had time to plan and move into this decision with foresight and planning.

A few months or so after we had made this decision to move in two years, life just seemed to get impossible financially. We both started working two jobs (at one point I was working three, plus my online ministry) it was not easy trying to pay off, save up and continue to support 5 kids. It was hard on our health, our marriage and our family.

One day, on my way into work for my second job for the day, I began to pray and then that prayer turned into sobbing.

“God, I can’t work this pace anymore and I for sure can’t do it for another two years. I’m trapped.” In that burdened moment I asked God for a specific $ amount (It was an impossible number) that we would need to release us from this mess.

A few days later my husband called to say that he had just received an email from his company offering a voluntary exit package. Every employee in this huge company was offered a specific amount based on their years of service. His amount, was exactly the amount I had asked God for.

We both took a breathe. Woah, was this God? My husband had 2 weeks to make a decision, it would mean losing his stable, pension, benefits paying job, and it also meant that our two year well thought out plan would have to be expedited to less than 4 weeks, with no house, or job in place.

This was not an easy decision for a man of six dependents to face and the burden and the call to prayer was intense. We always make decisions together but for this one, I had to trust his faithfulness to seek God for the right answer, because the weight of responsibility to care for his family was huge. After weeks of prayer, fasting and anguish, and only a few days left to accept the package , deal or no deal… he stood in the yard and heard God speak to him.

“I want to bless you” God said.

“Was that all he said?” I asked

“That’s all he said” my husband replied with conviction.

It was in that moment, my responsible to the core, loyal husband, took one of the biggest leaps of his life (besides marrying me;) and came in to tell me that he had made a decision. “The road ahead looks impossible but God said he is going to bless us.”

We had a choice in that moment that we either trust him or we don’t.

With a few tears and the welling up of excitement and anxiety, my husband literally ‘pressed a button’ in an email to accept the package and there was no turning back.

My friends, that was 8 months ago we made that decision. Here I am today to give you an update, before I get to the main point of my message.

Since then…

I painfully said goodbye to my mother, eldest daughter and lifelong friends.

We spent four months living in my in-laws home. (one teenager slept in the trailer on the driveway) because our house didn’t sell.

I went into a dark emotional pit of grief for having uprooted so quickly and losing my support system.

My son suffered a serious sports injury, when the only way we got him to move with us at age 17 was a promise of a great football program.

My husband is still unemployed and has not found work in his field.

We moved into our new home.

We lived through 2 months of renovations.

Our eldest daughter moved in with us.

My husband finally made it to the final process of being hired for an amazing job.

Covid hit.

The company paused hiring until this passes.

I lost half of my income to be able to help kids at home with school.

My husband is still unemployed after 8 months and has worked odd jobs to help make ends meet.

… but lately, every time I close my eyes to pray I feel this immense energy and overwhelming feeling that we are about to be overtaken by blessing, even though on the outside we’re in a bit of a mess. But I can’t seem to shake it!

If you know anything about me you know that I hate Christian pat responses to complicated situations. The whole “God is going to turn this around for good” is such an insensitive phrase for Christians to throw at a world filled with anguish and hopelessness. But inside of my spirit when I see the mess that we are in, I can’t help but feel this immense thought that blessing is going to overtake us.

I have learnt in my complicated life that there is no beauty without witnessing ugly, there is no freedom without the understanding of imprisonment, there is no recognition of blessing without first living under a curse.

I look around and feel sick, heavy and burdened but I just can’t help shake the feeling that if we (especially as Christians) just stop trying to fix everything with words, be silent for a while and start listening and actually start acknowledging the ugly, the imprisonments and the curses, we will NEVER be a part of or even a witness to the beauty, freedom and blessing that is about to overtake us.

When we stand in this beast of a world and look around and see nothing but fear, nothing but hopelessness I want to reassure you that the blessing is coming. Before this, we would not have had the eyes and ears to see and hear it coming but in the midst of this, we will see more clearly than we ever have before.

A few weeks ago, my husband asked God for an update on the blessing situation as he was pushing a wheel burrow of dirt. He paused for a moment and God spoke to him and said “Just Watch”

I’ll keep you posted 🙂

Leave a Reply