What a mental breakdown looks like. My photos.

Looks can be deceiving they say. I say, looks can be a  down right lier.

Oh how badly I wished that someone could see past my smile.

You see with anxiety, it really doesn’t care who it takes out. A pretty girl with lots of money, to a business man with three kids, an elderly woman with no family or a body builder with a black belt. Anxiety can take out a Christian, a teacher, a mother, a father a counsellor. It’s no respecter of status, race, sex or faith.

These are some of my favourite photos of myself, especially the last one because I look so petite (life goal again!)! The harsh truth is, is that I looked so petite because my anxiety was so severe I couldn’t eat.

This is probably my skinniest to date but at a great cost. I remember this Christmas and how much I wanted to be present with my children and make it special, but how disconnected and awful I felt. I even had to lay down during the new release of the movie Frozen because it set off my anxiety, It was too tense. I spent most of that Christmas in tears, asking my husband, counsellor, doctor and God what was wrong with me.



This picture was taken 1 week after I called 911 to my house when I suffered a massive panic attack. I was taking Ativan 4 times a day just to make it through. I was holding my new baby niece, I felt so terrified to hold her because I felt so weak and out of control. My family didn’t understand why I was so “ill” they just avoided asking me. I wanted so desperately for one of them to hug me and say it was going to be okay but all they knew to do was tell me to “just stop thinking about it”  This was new to all of us and soon they understood ‘sort-of’ what I was experiencing. 





This was a summer lunch date with my beautiful fun sister-in-law. It was the first time that they witnessed the humiliating severity of my illness. We had to cut lunch short as I walked off a major panic attack because of something I ate for lunch. We stopped for the Oprah pose but inside I was absolutely wrecked and told myself I would limit going out from now on.


Me and my beautiful friends took a trip to California and this was our VIP backstage pass to the Jimmy Kimmel show. The night before I was up until 5:30 am having the worst tormented mind to date. I had walked by a homeless man talking to himself that day and had an instant intrusive thought that I could end up like him one day. I laid in bed all night feeling like I was being possessed by a spirit of insanity. What it was, was OCD at it’s worst. I couldn’t stop the thought, it played over and over and over again and I prayed the same thing over and over and over again.  My friends woke up chipper, excited for the day a head and I woke up bawling. They sat on my bed and prayed with me and carried me through the rest of the day.

The take away from this, is that so many of you have amazing photos like these, you post them of Facebook and get a lot of praise for how beautiful you look. What they don’t know is that behind that mascara and petite frame is a raging mental battle.

If you’re hiding, you don’t have to anymore. You are not alone. The DOORS are now OPEN to my online course where I have been working to create a safe place for those of you who feel like you’re living a double life.

Here’s What You Get:

  • Online access to the course, anywhere, any time on any device.
  • Lifetime access to the course-go through the course as many times as you need.
  • 12 weekly modules of practical tips on handling anxiety
  • Worksheets and take-with-you tools
  • Fun, free printables for your journal or wall
  • Scripture references for your personal study
  • Supportive private Facebook group
  • Live group video chats
  • Prayer team covering as you go through the course

SIGN UP HERE to learn how you can start taking your life back. http://sarah-e-ball.teachable.com/p/fearlesstraveler1

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