I can’t tell you how blessed I am to share B.J Condrey’s story with you today. I stumbled upon his book, and before I even knew the context of his book, the title, Heal Me or Kill Me, stopped me in my tracks. Within a split second, I understood that desperation. When I learnt that the book was about his personal victory out of crippling OCD, something I battled severely, I had to invite him to guest post. God is amazing, and His healing power is real! You too can be set free!
Heal Me or Kill Me by B.J. Condrey
My battle with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) began at age 5. I would always tell myself that if I stepped on a crack in the sidewalk, I and/or my mom would die. This snowballed over the years and by the time I was in high school, it had become what I label in my book, “The battle of a lifetime.” I began to pray to Jesus, “I cannot handle this anymore. I read Your Word and it seems to say that I can be free. So God, I give you one of two options: Either heal me or kill me. I am not interested in a third option.” I have always felt the freedom to be honest with God. If you cannot be honest and broken before Him, then what hope is left? Only absurdity and despair would ensue.
Though I continued to desperately cry out to God, by the age of 20 my OCD had become worse. Anytime that I was around people, I would have to retreat into a public restroom stall 3-4 times per hour to cope with horrible feelings of anxiety as well as unbearable guilt.
But the one true God, the Father of Jesus Christ, the majestic creator and kind Daddy to all who call upon His Son, chose not to kill me. He did, however, answer the first part of my prayer. I am healed today. Through a series of events spanning a distance of 10 years, I am totally free. I no longer pray for death. I no longer wonder what my future will look like. I no longer run into a restroom stall in a futile effort to think/pray through the silly, OCD-based guilt that was turning me into an introverted, crippled animal that could not successfully interact with the world outside of my emotional hurricane.
We can be such stupid creatures. Like Adam and Eve in the garden, we hide when what is really needed is honesty. Be broken before God. Be honest. Hide nothing. Is God the one you are more honest with than anybody else? If not, something is off. I am by no means belittling the value of friends. Friends have been a lifeline for me. Nevertheless, the power that set me free and the power that can set others free is located ultimately and only in the living, powerful presence of Jesus Christ.
All freedom begins with an honest conversation. Quit trying to impress God. Jesus impressed Him on your behalf. So, confess the words of Jesus to the Father…
“Apart from [You], [I] can do nothing” (John 15:5). A profound rest awaits for you on the other side of that confession. Go ahead and crumble at His feet. He will pick you up (Psalms 3:3). I have always found great solace in David’s advice, “Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge” (Psalms 62:8).
The word “pour” in the Hebrew is shaphak which means, “to spill forth.” Spill forth your deep heart. Put the broken pieces into His hands. How beautiful is this God!
The struggle in writing a blog is not so much what to write as it is what not to write. Space is limited. I could have gone 100 different directions in sharing my story. However, you can find the story in its entirety in my book. Heal Me Or Kill Me: My Road to Freedom From OCD
Today, I wanted to paint a picture to remind you that God is a Daddy, a kind and tender heart, and a powerful healer devoted to crushing all untruth and its effects in the lives of His children. As the Psalmist writes, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (147:3). So look up. Dare to believe. Grab a hold of a little expectation and imagine yourself totally free as an act of faith and worship. Jesus finishes what He starts. He did this in my life not because I figured out some anxiety-defeating formula. Instead, He loved me and kept drawing me to Himself. He did not give up on me and found a way to pierce through my darkness.
B.J. Condrey is married to Allison Stegall Condrey. They have one son, Ezra. He has completed a B.A. in Psychology, a B.A. in Philosophy, and a M.A. in Philosophy. He is currently serving as the Life Group Pastor at Resurrection Life Worship Center in Picayune, Mississippi and teaches philosophy at Pearl River Community College in Poplarville, MS.
Website/blog link: www.savethechristians.org
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