40 Things…

Today I  turn 40…..

My husband and a few close friends took me out for a pre-pre birthday dinner last week.  I laid out my outfits on the bed and tried to decide if I was going to dress “my age” or NOT. I pondered whether this was a significant moment in my life where I had to stop wearing ripped jeans, stop rocking out to music in the car, and to stop using slang and emojicons when I texted. I stared at my beige cropped slacks with my black top and I took a deep breathe and raided my 17 year old’s closet. I’ll dress my age another time I thought!

We had a lovely dinner, laughed so hard, ate tons, and then the 22 year-old waitress came over, and asked how old I was turning. I told her I was turning 40 and I slumped in my chair to make a dramatic gesture that my life was doomed and that tomorrow I would wake up  lame and boring, and she looked at me with surprise. “My mom is the same age as you, and she looks really old compared to you!” The room froze, she froze and my friends and I burst out laughing as she profusely apologized and explained she was trying to compliment me. It failed, on so many levels, but it was so funny!!

So many people keep trying to tell me that age doesn’t matter, but it does matter I think. It matters in the sense that age gives us marker points to check in and see how we’ re doing on this life thing…. As I brace myself for this new decade I thought I would record 40 things I have discovered so far…

1.  I thought by now I would be over being a HOT MESS, but it’s kind of just beginning!
2. I get over things way easier but feel pain and betrayal way deeper.
3. The skin around my elbows were the first thing to go.
4. I find it harder to find a hero to follow.
5. I think I have found God’s grace and I use it often!
6. Everyone is always trying to sell me something.
7. I NEED to travel
8. Every month another food disagrees with me.
9. I’m tempted to quit – a lot.
10. I get over being tired easier or having had a rough night, meh! move on!
11. I don’t care much what people think of me, except for my husband and my mom still.
12. I NEED to write or I will explode.
13. I love sentimental gifts.
14. I think of heaven more and those that are there.
15. I thought I would be a way better spelller and gramator by now.
16. I struggle with fake Christianity more and more.
17. The religious spirit scares me and makes me cringe more than the evil of this world.
18. I realized evil IS REAL, it’s VERY real.
19. My shoulders hold more than I ever thought they could.
20. My mental health is as important as my physical.
21. My kids amaze me more than they overwhelm me.
22. I fight selfishness a lot more.
23. I treasure and invest in friendships more.
24. I CANNOT lose weight, for anything!
25. I tell myself more often that I’m proud of me and that I’m beautiful.
26. I tell myself more often that I’m disappointing and not good enough
27. I fight my inner voice more than ever.
28. I trust and surrender more in God, most of the time
29. I’m kinder to my husband yet more direct with my needs
30. I welcome a good ugly cry.
31. The idea of a mommy group makes me curl into the fetal position
32. I use music more to change my emotions
33. I don’t care about material stuff as much, but I care a lot about diamonds.
34. My marriage is harder, but soooo much  more fulfilling.
35. My inner voice becomes my outer voice a lot more lately.
36. I feel responsible for younger women.
37. I understand and can flow with my soul’s inner rhythms and the changes of seasons.
38. I don’t notice messes as much.
39. I understand the gift of suffering.
40. I have so much more to learn…

Thanks to everyone who has blessed me!