The Abandoned Soul – How to heal the pain of abandonement

 


 

To leave completely and finally; 

forsake utterly; desert

That is the definition of abandonment. 

There are few despicable things one human can do to another human, and in my opinion, abandonment is at the top of the list, along with abuse, and torment.

I will never forget the phone call, from the tiny golf shop cafe’ I worked in. I had just discovered I was pregnant at age 21, and I called the father to let him know. His words were …”not my *&%ing problem, it’s yours” and I never heard from him again.

Then it happened again, like any really messed up broken young girl, I found myself pregnant again, 2 years later. This time my boyfriend headed north to help his parents out for a few weeks, and you guessed it, I never heard from him again.

Abandonment is ugly and it’s consequences lasts for many generations.

These examples of abandonment did not only affect my life, but it affects my older two children. “Why didn’t he want me?” is the most painful question to hear as a mother, and the most difficult question to answer.

Abandonment is such a powerful experience (in the negative sense) that it has the ability to reshape a human’s perspective on life, on themselves and towards others. It is one of the most destructive acts from one human to another, and has the ability to derail a soul. 

Some people are unintentionally abandoned, maybe their parents died, or they had to leave them with relatives for their own safety. Some people are the victim of purposeful abandonment, you see this a lot in foster children, single mothers, teens whose fathers or mothers walked out on the family.

Abandonment can come in moments of tragedy where the person could have saved you from abuse or embarrassment, left you to suffer. Abandonment is complex, but the results are very predictable.

I asked on my Facebook page this morning what people thought were the consequences of abandonment, one foster mom shared the heartbreaking questions her foster children ask… 

 “Why didn’t they want me?

Why didn’t they fight for me?

Then it turns into “what’s wrong with me?”

“The confusion, rejection and hurt turns inward and they can develop an identity of, I must have been worth rejecting. Something is wrong with me that caused them to not want me.”

Abandonment raises the question of identity and self-worth. I’ve seen this in my own children, who though they have a loving, all-in, step-dad, they still struggle with these questions. As a mom (who has spent years trying to heal her own abandonment) I do my best to fix it, but I can’t. This is a God hole, that I can’t fill, and thats heartbreaking.

I have seen young women completely ruin their lives trying to fill this hole, this deep deep ache. Promiscuity, (I must find someone who will keep me, or I will prove I am unworthy) Substance Abuse (I will hide the pain, and destroy my body because it’s worthless anyway) Violence/anger (I will hurt you before you hurt me) Perfectionism  (I just have to get it right, then you’ll love me) People Pleaser ( I will work hard to never feel that type of rejection again) Unbelief (God didn’t care then, why would he care now)


 

I can’t change the world with one blog post, and I know a 6-year-old whose mother has chosen drugs over him or her won’t read this.

So who is this post for?

It’s for you –  the one who is reading this. The one who has  carried around the internal consequences of abandonment. Whether from your childhood, or in your teen years, or as an adult. This thing, you think will live with you forever is a lie and God’s going to uproot it, right now. 

Rough diamonds may sometimes be mistaken for worthless pebbles – Thomas Browne

If the enemy of our souls (satan) wants to create a ripple effect of damage, abandon one child, and watch that child destroy themselves and those around them. However, when that injured soul is intercepted with the truth, that they are loved and more precious than gold in God’s eyes, then watch that person spread the love.

You will never, ever, ever, ever in all of your searching, in all of your perfectionism, in all of your pain numbing tactics, find something in this world to fill the deep wound of abandonment, nothing.  You can search your entire life, and  you will leave this world as broken as the day you were broken. It sounds doom and gloom, but there is nothing, in this world that will change your ache. Not a boyfriend, not another baby, not cocaine, or vodka, not a party with friends, not a husband, not a doctorate degree, or a high paying job, not even religious habits and mission trips.

These things won’t even touch it. 

If I had just read that last paragraph 13 years ago, I would have brushed over it and denied it. Today, I am begging you to take a hard look at the things you have filled your soul with, trying to fill the hole that was left from your abandonment.  Take a moment, just a brief moment and acknowledge the pain.

It’s time. It’s safe to do so.

I can’t write fancy words to heal your heart, but I am going to lead you quickly through some powerful words that I pray will ignite a search in you for wholeness. I am not telling you how to fix it, I am showing you where your healing will come from…

GOD IS NEAR

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted  and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34: 18

When you allow God to put his finger on that place, it hurts like hell. Man, can it knock us under and take our breath away.

JESUS EXPERIENCED ABANDONMENT

I truly believe that Jesus experienced every human pain possible to man..

He was despised and rejected by mankind,
    a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
    he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.

Surely he took up our pain
    and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
    stricken by him, and afflicted.
Isaiah 53: 3-4

Jesus suffered immense physical, mental and emotional pain, in his final hours he experienced the most painful human experience possible. Abandonment..

 At about three o’clock, Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” which means “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?” Matthew 27:46

I believe that God’s heart was so in love with us, and was so grieved by the human pain and suffering that he sent his only son to experience the torment of humanity, he was even willing to abandon his son, so that Jesus would know first hand the pain in our hearts. 

So the Word became human and made his home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. And we have seen his glory, the glory of the Father’s one and only Son. John 1-14

THE LORD WILL TAKE YOU UP

For my father and my mother have forsaken me, But the LORD will take me up. Psalms 27:10

Do you know what heals the abandoned soul?  Acceptance and unconditional love. Well duh! You say, that’s what you’ve been searching for. However, the acceptance and unconditional love that you need cannot come from another  broken vessel (mankind) it comes from a supernatural connection to your heavenly father. I know it sounds so churchy, and I just don’t know how else to describe it until you have asked for this real  experience from God himself.

It’s unexplainable. 

When you ask Jesus to show you his love, and to heal you, he will, without you earning it. Jesus astounded the Pharisees with his declaration that he didn’t come for the religious and perfected ones he came for the sick. 

1-7 The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me
    because God anointed me.
He sent me to preach good news to the poor,
    heal the heartbroken,
Announce freedom to all captives,
    pardon all prisoners.
God sent me to announce the year of his grace—
    a celebration of God’s destruction of our enemies—
    and to comfort all who mourn,
To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion,
    give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,
Messages of joy instead of news of doom,
    a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.
Rename them “Oaks of Righteousness”
    planted by God to display his glory. Isaiah 61 (MSG)

When I sought the love of God with all of my heart I received the deepest inner healing. I am no longer the abandoned woman, I am the lovingly fathered woman, adopted as a child of God. I am no longer the victim but the victor, I am proud of the pit the Lord has dug me out of, and I will devote my days to leading others out. I am no longer wounded and broken displaying my hurt in unhealthy ways, I feel free and whole.

I am not perfected but I am fully accepted! 

This is for you too, no matter how far you feel you’ve run or fallen. Grab on and ask God to heal you and seek out his heart for you.

God is so good.

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2 thoughts on “The Abandoned Soul – How to heal the pain of abandonement”

  1. Tony Hilling says:

    A real gutsy message, Sarah! Absolutely wonderful and grace-filled. I pray that many who have experienced abandonment will be to.uched by this and come to the Father who alone brings healing and acceptance

    1. virtuouswomanx says:

      Tony, thanks for your comment. It’s true, God is the only true healer

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