Has there been an area of weakness in your life you finally took control of only to have the victory compromised by old thoughts or temptations?
I ‘ve Never Been To Vegas But, My Luggage Has has been my summer read. It’s a great personal story of blogger Mandy Hale, – AKA The Single Woman. It was a fun book that stirred up many memories of my crazy single life. Mid-book it surprisingly cut way too close to home as Mandy discussed her emotional breakdown. Her journey was eerily similar to mine. The book ended with blogger Mandy sharing her amazing successes as God opened door after door, her blog and twitter popularity explosion, her trip to OWN and her own book deal.
I knew I was “supposed” to read this ending and be really, really happy for Mandy Hale the creator and blogger of The Single Woman. Instead I was overcome with jealousy.
I went for a light read, only to find myself having to go for yet another self-talk/prayer-walk to clear my emotions.
Am I seriously the only one who feels this deeply about life sometimes?
I should have been a song writer!
But here I was standing and asking God ‘what do I do with these deep painful feelings of jealousy?’ She had her blog for one year; I have had mine for almost 4. She got to meet Oprah, I clean pee off the floor daily. I try, and try and work and pray and NADA. Others just think it so and VOILA. IT’S just NOT FAIR!
I was hit with such deep pained jealousy it was ugly to be honest. I didn’t know what to do with this disgusting green monster that had plagued my life so hard before. I thought I had mastered it. All I knew was that I wasn’t going to brush it off, or ignore it this time I never wanted this thing to surface again.
I have always had a deep burning passion to be a woman of influence. It’s hard to explain a passion you are born with, for me it is a deep desire to see people set free and to have a voice that can change lives and influence for the good. At the age of 8 I created my own “feed the orphans campaign” I bought buttons and stickers and brochures. I am not sure what orphans in Canada I was trying to feed, but I knew, even at a young age my life had to matter. Because of this desire I have always struggled with impatience to see the will of God in my life come to full blossom.
I tell myself ALL the time that my passions belong to God. I often try to convince myself to give it up and just be normal for once. That perhaps I am meant to live the simple life but the thought of that is so heart wrenching to me. So I keep dreaming, puttering, writing, praying, and encouraging others in hopes that one day God will give me an open door to really make a difference. So at times of discouragement when I see someone who is sailing the seas I desire to sail, I reflect and realize I’m still paddling in a creek. I become overcome with grief and jealousy. It’s like a benched player or a grounded pilot. (but with toe rings and a pretty smile)
There was a season of such great discouragement for me that I did “surrender” it all to God. Or so I thought. However, it was far from a surrender but more like a “I quit!” I bought completely into the destructive lie that doors just don’t open for me, that I am not the person who gets favour.
Isn’t it amazing the lies Satan can weasel into our very soul? So sad.
I look back at that dark season and I am amazed I fed myself such garbage. I had made a vow in my heart that I was done with my dreams. Perhaps you can relate, if you are single and every love door has been slammed in your face. Maybe you have been job hunting and have more bills than callbacks. Maybe it’s a dream, like mine, that just won’t click. You look around and every one is in love, with a high paying job and are living their dreams on their 4 week summer vacations. BLERG we just want to give up.
The vow to quit was one of the most destructive things I did to my inner wellbeing. ‘Giving up’ can lead to such a path of destruction, because when we do, we fall right into the trap that is set for us.
Dreaming Through Feeling Hopelessness
Ironically it was this scripture “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope” Jeremiah 29:11 That lifted me out of deep despair and hopelessness. So after a year of healing and restoration from taking a vow that led to destruction, I knew, I could not afford to believe this lie of jealousy, again.
TO HELL WITH YOU! I say!
In life, every hill that is conquered will be challenged again. The enemy of our souls wants to test our position, looking for entry. We were strong enough to take this hill, but are we strong enough to defend it?
We are strong enough to lose those 60 lbs. but when stress comes with a side of fries, are we strong enough to defend it? If that addiction was beaten, are we strong enough to hold the hill when temptation comes at us from all directions?
Its one thing to conqueror a mountain – it’s another thing to hold our victory and become MORE than a conqueror.
As for this ugly jealousy, I yell NO!! I see you for what you are and I say No! You are not coming back. I declare freedom over me, and divine ownership over this hill and this victory.
When old demons resurface trying to regain lost ground, which they will, we have to be prepared for them, we need to recognize their disguises and kick them to the curb. Old demons ALWAYS come back in the form of a thought or an emotion that’s how they weasel in.
So we cast down every thing that sets it self up against the word of God and we say NO! NO WAY HOSE’!
And we keep dreaming …..